Distorted View Daily and Cornswalled Is A Moron Proudly Presents...

Sunday, September 16, 2007

Cornswalled Is Not Real

I don't believe that Alexander Cornswalled is a real person. I believe he is hiding under an unfortunate pseudonym and is actually someone else.

Why do I believe this?

A few reasons.

First and foremost - I cannot believe someone as clueless, as illogical, as.... STUPID (for lack of a proper word) as Alexander would use their real name. I mean, COME ON! Posting Photoshopped pictures as vandalism? An IM chat as real when it's A JOKE?! Citing Canadian Law in an effort to have DV removed in the United States? There's more, people. Waste an hour at our good friend's blog and you'll come away with a headache from smacking your forehead in disbelief at the UTTER NONSENSE that he posts. Good God - if Alexander is truly one of Your servants on earth, and he is what we'll be stuck with when we all get to heaven, then I really need to rethink my stance on Christianity.

That was a JOKE Alexander. You're likely chuckling anyway. Anticornswalled? Get in to heaven? Aha ha ha...

You bet, baby! You'll get there before I do you old gasbag, but save me a spot on the bleachers, anyway...

Anyhow, I started to think - WHO could this jackass really be?

At first I thought he was Robert Troop. For those who have read the comments to Alexander's blogs, Robert is the old windbag who owns the printing company (VERIZON IS ONE OF THEIR CUSTOMERS! AREN'T YOU ALL IMPRESSED?) It sorta made sense - Robert and Alexander can't spell worth a damn. They call people morons and idiots and punks. And they both have the understanding of an Alzheimer's patient who has been given a thousand piece puzzle for Christmas. They each jump to conclusions faster than Rosie O"Donnell jumps on a chocolate cake. But I am not sure if they are one in the same - Robert's company donated a million dollars to a charity run by Catholics, and we all know Cornswalled believes Catholics are idol worshipping Hell bound heathens. But, I still think Alexander is a joke name. So I check a little further...

I did a little search for our good friend online and couldn't find him. Actually, I couldn't find ANYONE in the United States phone directories with a last name of Cornswalled. Out of what, 250 million people, YOU happen to be the last Cornswalled? I suppose it is possible - If I were related to you, Alexander, I would change my last name too. The only time I could find an Alexander Cornswalled was on pages YOU had made, Alexander. I did find a site created by someone who said they knew you in Valparaiso (sp?) Indianna. This individual said you'd written a rather famous (read: MORONIC!) piece on Pokemon. He said you were a lovely man (the word "lovely" dripping in sarcasm...)

I just find it odd that I can't find a Cornswalled in the US. Any Cornswalled. Why is that?

So there you have it. Not very well researched, but based on what I tried to find, Alexander Cornswalled doesn't exist. And let's be honest, if you were him, would you really want to?


UPDATE - September 17, 2007

Oh no. The little troll has a podcast now. I listened to a little but had to shut it off after awhile. I can only stand someone who sounds like a cross between Gomer Pyle and Fozzy Bear for so long. I like how he changed his website, with a subheading that reads:

Alexander Cornswalled is a Midwestern Conservative Christian, writing and podcasting about religion, morals and the fight to halt the decay of American society and civilization.

Sounds like he's been podcasting for awhile doesn't it? He started podcasting today. For a more accurate subheading, it should read:

Alexander Cornswalled is a Midwestern Conservative Christian Whack Job, writing and podcasting (as of today!) about religion (Baptist views), morals (as I see them) and the fight to halt the decay of American society and civilization (Distorted View) based on my own personal tastes. If you don't like it, I will still cram my opinion down your throat and call you a moron if you disagree. I do not believe you should live your own life. Your life belongs to me, and I will decide what you can or cannot listen to. I will also ignore all attempts at getting me to answer your questions when I know I will look more retarded than I already am. I will make up lots of excuses, like I am busy, or I have work, or church. I will still find the time to produce a podcast, write my nonsense blog and write stupid replies on Yahoo Answers that could endanger the health of teen girls who really should go to their OBGYN. I don't have any kids (actually, I am single) but I know what's right for those little harlots anyway. Even though I know Tim Henson will play clips of my poscast on his show and mock me, it will only add fuel to my war against DV, even though I asked for it. I truly believe my podcast will be more popular than Tim's, because God is on my side and not Tim's (nyah nyah nyah-nyah nyaaaahhhhh!)

A little wordy...

... but quite accurate.

A.C. (that stands for AntiCornswalled, not AntiChrist, Alexander. Wouldn't want you to jump to one of your famous conclusions, moron.)


Anonymous said...

You are Awesome. The "pikat-shoo" thing on alexander's blog had me in stitches. You should make Anti-Cornswalled T-shirts or something.

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